BREAK OUT! Exploring the power of forgiveness in your relationships.

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By Damilola Whenu

Tony said, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again’. Sade replied, fuming in anger, “That’s what you always say. Why do you like making me angry all the time? You always make me cry and I keep forgiving you all the time”.

We are angered and hurt by different people for varied reasons. Some are justified while some are not. It’s usually more painful when it’s a loved one that offended us. We hold on to the offense at times and expect they apologize for the wrong done to us. In relationships, it seems or appears as though our partner keeps doing what we have complained about or what we don’t like.  At times, we feel he or she is intentionally hurting our feelings. In this kind of state we often feel as if people are all out to make us miserable! First and foremost, let me say ‘chillax’, this is a blend of chill and relax!

If the hurt is not dealt with, it springs up feelings of resentment towards the ‘offender’ and as a result of this, little issues are magnified out of proportion. The issue is mainly because we didn’t truly forgive the past hurt, and that is why we still keep seeing every little mistake our partner makes or things he or she does as an intentional act of hurting us.

Forgiveness is important to sustain relationships and marriages. Some relationships and marriages have reached boiling points of conflicts and chaos just because of feelings of resentment of one partner to the other. Let’s see what the bible has to say about this issue:

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Mat 18:21-22 KJV

We can see from the above scripture verse that no one was secluded or exempted from being forgiven. So your partner (spouse as the case may be) is not an exemption. I saw it in an article that a friend put up in a post sometimes ago that says this about forgiveness: ‘Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner was you’ [Max Lucado]. Many have been held in the bondage of unforgiveness, nursing thoughts that cause them to be bitter, angry and resentful towards their spouse. When we refuse to resolve issues that make us constantly angry and hurt, our minds are hardened with bitterness and resentful feelings. This has a direct negative influence on our relationship with God. Forgiveness is not saying that what they did was okay or they’re going to get away with it. It’s simply letting go of your anger and turning over your feelings to God. Forgiveness is the oil of relationships.

Sometimes, we easily forgive others but when it comes to our spouses or those we are in a romantic relationship with, we want to punish the person and make the person also feel the hurts we are feeling inside. We want him/her to keep saying sorry or buy something to appease us for a wrong done. This is not good enough and it has damaging implications on our relationships in the long run. Forgiveness is a choice and it’s important that we make that choice. You will most likely not feel like forgiving the person. True forgiveness is a strong rational decision based on spiritual values, fueled by spiritual resources, and modeled after the spiritual principle of God’s forgiveness (Dr Ed Wheat).  To forgive is the highest form of love. In return , you will receive untold peace and happiness. When you truly forgive, you will feel relieved and discover that you were harming yourself. 

I find the story of the wicked servant in Matthew 18:23- 35 very key in understanding the destructive impact of unforgiveness. A servant was forgiven the debt he owed, which is equivalent to about 10 million dollars but couldn’t forgive his fellow servant who owed him 10 dollars. He eventually pushed himself to an undesirable end. So you see, you can’t afford to make unforgiveness a clog in the wheel of the progress of your relationship with your spouse and loved ones.